


flare

by ricechex2



Category: The Breakfast Club (1985)
Genre: Angst, Brian centric, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, character development through learning how to express themselves?, no death but like very poor communication skills
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:01:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21921865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ricechex2/pseuds/ricechex2
Summary: Turns out a day in detention can’t change much at all. A look at the weeks that follow the events of the breakfast club, and what changed after that.
Relationships: John Bender/Brian Johnson
Comments: 44
Kudos: 236





	1. Chapter 1

**one week after the events of the breakfast club**

.

Turns out a day in detention cant change much after all. Bender was still serving his sentence. He and Claire didn't last long. They both decided a relationship was no fun if you had to keep it a secret, and Claire was never going to relinquish the crown. Allison visited detention from time to time and braided Bender's hair. He grumbled about it but he liked seeing her smile. Andrew's dad hadn't been happy when he was introduced to Allison. Allison didn't hear from Andrew again. Brian's grades were slipping. There was something wrong with him. He needed to tell someone. 

**two weeks**

Bender was still in detention. He wished more people would break the rules so he would have someone to talk to.

Brian was getting worse. When he couldn't take it anymore he told his parents that he liked boys They stopped pressuring him to do so well in school, but they also stopped talking to him altogether. Dinners were silent and he left as soon as he could in the mornings before school.

**three weeks**

Claire was getting bored of the idle chatter of her friends, and they were starting to notice. She blew off school for the second time and got caught a second time. She told Allison to come to detention again to keep her company. Claire could be seen if her if they were in detention. Claire mentioned to Andrew that next week would be a good time to get detention. Brian was caught with razor blades in his backpack. 

**four weeks**

All together again.

It was nice to see each other again. They all felt like they were in on a good secret. When Vernon was out on a call they smoked more weed and settled into banter. But there was a tension too. This was the first time they had talked in weeks. Andrew and Claire had avoided eye contact in the hallways with any of them. 

Claire had her arms crossed but was smiling while Allison talked about something crazy and completely Allison. Andrew was the highest of all of them and was laying on the ground, limbs splayed out, not comprehending what was happening. Brian was nodding along to Allisons story but had his legs pulled up and tucked under his arms. Bender was watching Brian. 

Brian leaned over to take the joint from Bender and his sleeve caught on the desk and pulled up slightly. Bender's eyes narrowed. Brian looked up as he sees Bender standing over him. He raises his hands to protect himself on instinct but Bender grabs his wrist. Brian is still struggling to free himself when Bender shoves up his sleeve. 

"WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT." Allison and Claire whipped around Andrew raised his head off the floor. Brian was a little too stoned to understand what was happening. What did he do to make Bender mad? They had been having fun. But Bender was pointing to his forearms. The angry scars. The torn skin that hadn't really healed correctly. The places where there was still dried blood because he was in a hurry to get to detention. Bender stared at his wrists, mouth open like he didn't know what he was going to say next. 

Brain wrenched his arm free and shoved down his sleeve. His eyes burned. "What do you care? You haven't _looked_ at me in weeks. Leave me alone!" 

Mr. Vernon heard the shouting and stomped back into the room. "BENDER I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU-" 

But Brian had already moved to a table far from Bender. And far from everyone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always felt like Brian and Benders stories never got resolved. Like their issues can’t be fixed with ‘wow I made new friends’


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things reach a tipping point.

The rest of detention passed with uneasy silence. Brian took off on his bike as soon as it was over.

The others didn’t follow. They had their own problems and Bender wouldn’t say anything about what had made him so angry. So they gave up asking.

─ ✸ ─

Brian stood in the parking lot of the school. It was Monday afternoon and everyone had already gone home. He thought maybe he could make it through the day but he was wrong.

He was a little worried about _a kid_ finding him, but everyone was so fucked anyway. Really, Brian is taking the cowardly way out. Everyone was suffering and Brian was just too weak to cut it. It was fitting though, he’s a coward. He couldn’t stand up to his parents, or the kids who would give him shit. He couldn’t even face what he was feeling. 

And here he was again. He stood on the curb. If he sat down now he would lose any balls he had. 

The gun was heavier than he thought it would be. He had bought it that Friday. A real one this time. He had just walked in and gotten it. He already had the fake ID. Brian carried the gun around with him. He slept with it under his pillow. Brian held it in one hand. He hadn’t considered what he would do now. He tried pointing it directly at his forehead, but couldn’t hold it correctly just felt stupid.

He closed his eyes and raised the gun to his temple instead. He thought that he would be scared, or there would be some adrenaline associated with this, but he was calm. Well, numb. 

Brian took a deep breath then another as his finger found the trigger. Something tugged at his wrist. In the millisecond before he opened his eyes, Brian thought it was God, coming to scream at him for being a homosexual and trying to kill himself all in one lifetime. 

But it was just John Bender, trying to take the gun from his hand. Then, adrenaline hit, and before Bender could wrestle the gun away from his head, Brian pulled the trigger. 

Click.

He dropped to his knees, letting go of the gun. 

“The safety was on, dipshit.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! updates will be sporadic for sure, but hopefully continuous. 
> 
> if you enjoyed please leave a comment!  
> thanks for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian is evasive, and Bender acts weird in a Wendy’s

Brian’s chest heaved. Bender unloaded the gun and slipped it in one of his coat pockets, with the bullets in the other. 

“I think I’ll hold onto this, yeah?” 

Brian couldn’t seem to catch his breath. He was shaking. He vomited stomach bile onto the cement. Bender sat down next to him on the curb and Brian put his face in his hands. 

He felt a hand on his back, but it was quickly pulled away. 

Brian didn't know how long he sat there and cried, but it was apparently too long. Bender hoisted him up by the armpits and stood him on his feet. Brian sniffed and scrubbed his face. 

"Alright, c'mon. Let's go." Bender stuck his hands in his pockets and sauntered away. Brian stiffly followed, still wiping his eyes. 

They got to a Wendy's and Bender pushed Brian inside. 

"Got any money there, dorkus?" Brian dug three dollars out of his pocket and handed it to him. He kissed the money before slamming it down on the counter. "Your finest frosty ma'am." The woman behind the counter sighed then rang him up and gave him his change. He grinned at her as he put the extra money in the tip jar, then took it out and pocketed it when she turned her back to get his drink.

John slurped loudly on the frosty and slid into a booth across from Brian, waiting. 

When Brian was silent, John put his chin on his fist. "C'mon. You're not gonna say anything? This is the worst date ever." Still nothing.

After a moment, Bender said, "Listen pally I think youse should start talkin. You wanna know why?" in a pseudo-mobster voice, and then in a stage whisper, "'Cus I just got a _gun_. So I think you should do what I say or else- BANG!" Bender's eyes didn't leave Brian, although people turned at the word. Brian pushed Bender's finger gun away from his face and looked away.

"Is this about shop class again, Johnson? No use crying over spilled milk. Those big fancy colleges you want to get into don't care about shop, you seen the hosers who take it? Hell, I'll make your goddamn lamps for you. You just gotta pay me. Or blow me. I'm not picky." 

"No." Said Brian. Then hastily, "I mean no, it's not about shop."

"Shit, I'm out of guesses. Did mommy and daddy miss the big science tournament? Did your goldfish croak?" Bender was mocking him now.

"Why do you even care?" Brian asked, suddenly angry. "You've never given a shit about anyone but yourself." Brian finally looked up when he spoke, so he saw Bender wince at that. 

For a second Brian thought he was gonna get hit, but Bender just said, "Why do I care? Well geez Brian, this is my school too. Blowing your brains out in the parking lot is littering. What about the sea turtles, Brian? And did you ever think about your poor friend Carl? He'd be mopping up bits of Brian for weeks. Me though, I'd probably sell tickets. Step right up, see the stain where some dweeby, cock-breathed, taint sniffer, decided to-"

"It's my parents. Well, actually its me. I mean, I-I-I-" 

"S-S-Spit it out, Einstein."

"There's something wrong with me. I'm not, um, I’m not normal."

"Damn Johnson, we all knew that. How have you lived your whole life and just now you're piecing that together? You're a smart guy, Brian. I expected better from you." 

"No. I'm not- I don't think I'm- I don't like girls." He looked away again, and paused, not being able to get the words out. "I'm a fag, man. I don't know what to do." Brian was crying again, his sleeve over his face.

"My dad doesn't even look at me. My mom, she just cries all the time. I wish they would just say something about it. But they don't say anything anymore." Brian swiped at his eyes again. "I can't- I can't live like this." 

It was Bender's turn to fall silent. 

“My grades are shit and what’s even the point anymore? I dunno. I just can’t. Im supposed to marry a woman and, and have kids and be a fucking dad? It doesn’t matter what happens to me. My parents would rather have a dead son than a gay one.” 

He stood up, wiping his face and grabbing his jacket. He knew Bender was done with whatever random act of pity this was. That was okay. If Bender decided to follow him outside and beat him up, that would be okay too. It didn’t matter. He would wait a while, let Bender forget this. He just didn’t have enough money to buy another gun. 

“John. Can I uh, get my thing back. I mean actually, I just need to borrow it and then you can have it back.” 

Bender made a ridiculous face at him. “No you can’t _have it back_. Jesus. Brian, lay off the crack.” 

“Well I just thought, that after I told you, you wouldn’t care. And I could just-” 

“Sit down, dweeboid.” 

Bender was not sprawled out in the booth anymore, he was shaking his leg up and down and had his hands clasped in front of him on the table. 

Brian had only sat back down for a moment when Bender sprang up. “Don’t do anything stupid.” Brian was lifted slightly off the seat as Bender grabbed the front of his sweater and said in his face, “If you’re not at school tomorrow I’m gonna kick your ass, your dog’s ass, and your little sister’s ass too.” 

Bender dropped him and marched out of the Wendy’s. 

Brian sat there, dumb. He finished the frosty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *is conspicuously vague about how much a frosty would cost in the 80s bc i couldn’t find it online*
> 
> hope you enjoyed! please leave a comment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian makes it through the school day. He realizes something very obvious.

Brian had always been very neat. He got it from his mother. He had never forgotten his homework at home. He always checked 5 times. Twice the night before and three times in the morning. 

When he brought the gun he did the same thing. He checked that it was under his pillow twice, and in the morning he checked that it was in his backpack three times. He had been so close, if he waited till he got to the park, John would never have- 

Brian was trying very hard not to think about John but he never had as much self control as he should. 

He did go to school the next day. A little bit because of the threat, but mostly because he didn’t have anything better to do. He got up and left his silent house early because he couldn’t stomach breakfast. 

The school was quiet and it was still dark outside when he got there. A couple of people were sitting in groups on the steps or slumped outside of classrooms. 

He recognized Allison standing on a planter with her arms out like she was on a ship. 

He wasn’t going to interfere with... whatever she was doing but Allison beckoned him over. 

“You tried again didn’t you?” She closed her eyes. 

Brian gaped. He never knew how she did that, just know things about people. 

“How did-I mean I didn’t-”

“Mm,” she hopped down from the planter, long skirt flaring. “Yeah, but you tried. So why are you here?” 

She shoved him and he just stared at her, bewildered. “You know why. So don’t forget.” She turned on her heel and began to march away. Brian never knew what she was saying, but it always felt important. 

"Allison, wait. Your parents, ignoring you-" Brian struggled. He hadn't known he was going to ask this. 

She barked an angry, off-kilter “Yeah?”

"When does it stop feeling like this?"

She grinned at him and made a noise like she was blowing a raspberry, "It doesn't."

─ ✸ ─

The rest of Brian's day was uneventful. His friends from physics club we’re ignoring him. They had filled his seat at the lunch table and in the front of the physics classroom with some new guy. They glared at him and whispered. That was okay. They probably thought he was on drugs. To be fair, he had gotten detention twice. He had a C. Brian might have thought that too. 

He should have just stayed home. Bender was no where to be found and Brian hadn’t absorbed a single thing that day. Allison’s words kept knocking around his head. 

_You know why. Don’t forget._

He was walking towards his bike when he bumped squarely into someone. 

“Watch where you’re going you fucking-”

“Sorry! Sorry!”

“Oh.” 

Bender blinked down at him. Brian thought he might actually be taller, but Bender had a way of holding himself that could eclipse everyone else. He was blocking the way to the bike rack.

“Sorry. I was just trying to...” Brian didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Bender was staring at him. 

“Uh-huh.”

“I went to school today. I mean, not that you care, but you said if I didn’t you would-”

“Yeah.” Bender said, a little too quickly. Too harshly. 

Brian flinched. He remembered the switch blade and he remembered that Bender still had the gun. Just because he wants to die doesn’t mean he wants to get murdered. He doesn’t want Bender to go to prison.

Brian's mind was racing. He really couldn't do this much longer.

“Well I’m here. And I was wondering, I mean if you're done with it of course, but could I have my... gun back?" 

Bender's eyes narrowed to little slits. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you such a dumb fucking wastoid?" 

Brian thought that might have stung if he wasn't so numb. He gave a bitter laugh, "I mean, I already told you I'm a-"

"Yeah I know. You're gay. Whatever." Bender lowered his voice, but he was still buzzing with anger. "What the fuck do you think is wrong with me? You think I'm just gonna give someone who wants to off themselves a gun? You think I'm just gonna let you die like that? You must think I'm a real piece of shit." 

"Oh." Somehow it hadn't occurred to him that the reason Bender wouldn't give the gun back is because he would kill himself with it. Brian knew it was just because Bender didn't want his death on his conscious. Still the thought that at least one person, even after they learned his secret, wanted him around, or at least not dead, surprised him. He blinked a few times. He couldn't imagine how Bender didn't see that Brian was just one of those people that probably wasn't supposed to exist at all.

Brian thought about the quick hand on his shoulder and the way Bender hoisted him up and told him he couldn’t have the gun back, not even just to borrow. How he’d gone jittery when Brian told him his secret, but not angry, not disgusted. 

Something small inside him felt warm. He tried not to think about it. 

Bender was staring again, like he had when Allison started to cut her hair in detention the other day. Brian realized he hadn't moved or said anything in a long time.

"Alright... So you're definitely going to throw yourself in front of a car. I could, shit I guess I should walk you home?" Bender didn't look entirely pleased with the idea. 

"No- you don't have to-" Brian blushed. This felt distinctly like something a boy would do for a girl he liked. But Bender was just a boy trying to make sure another boy didn't kill himself. 

Bender hesitated a moment before he shook his head and pushed Brian's shoulder. "Yeah, you pretty much lost your vote. C'mon."


	5. Chapter 5

The walk home wasn't as awkward and Brian thought it would be. Bender didn't have a bike so Brian pulled his along side them. 

Thankfully, Brian didn't have to talk much because Bender had slipped into his over the top half-class-clown-half-bully persona. He kept mocking the teachers and kids at school. Brian told him that was mean, but he still laughed when Bender mocked him saying that. Bender even stopped digging through mailboxes when Brian started freaking out about federal crimes.

It was a warm day and Brian was sweating under his long sleeved shirt. He didn’t really know how to say it.

He tried to bring it up casually. “So you weren’t at school today.” 

A non-committal grunt from John.

Brian tried again. “I was just wondering why. I mean I think you said your grades weren’t so good? So why don’t you just go to class?” 

Bender’s walking slowed down and Brian knew he said the wrong thing. He wanted to backtrack but at the same time he knew he was right. Despite how much Bender acted like it, he wasn’t an idiot. All he really needed was a diploma and he was sabotaging himself by not going to school.

But Bender’s face had hardened. 

“Gee whiz Brian, I never thought of it like that.” Bender said in a biting, sarcastic voice. “If I get a B in math I don’t know what I’ll do. Guess I just have to shoot myself.” He spit on the ground. “Why don’t you build a lamp that turns the fuck on if you’re so bright.”

Brian folded in on himself. This whole thing had been a terrible idea. “Yeah. Sorry. I’m sorry.” He fought the urge to cry. He felt so stupid for feeling... whatever it was he was feeling. Hope? He was such a fucking idiot. 

They walked in silence for a while, with Brian’s knuckles white on the handle bars of his bike. 

Brian got his stubbornness from his father. (One of the only things he’d gotten as his father liked to remind him.) He wasn’t going to cry, or say anything. He would just keep walking in dejected silence all the way home. 

But Bender’s stubbornness seemed to be directed in the opposite direction. Apparently hating both silence and leaving Brian alone for once, Bender spoke. “Yeah. Not funny. Shit.” 

“Yeah.” It wasn’t an apology but something in Brian’s chest shook loose.

“That cloud kind of looks like a hairy pussy,” Bender offered, pointing upwards. 

Brian craned his neck and squinted. “No way. Look, it’s got a ball sack.”

Bender knocked their shoulders together and let out a laugh. “Of course _you’d_ notice the sky dick, Johnson.” But he didn’t say it unkindly.

Just like that they slid back into banter. 

Brian made fun of Bender’s long hair and Bender told him that girls loved to run their hands through it. He then went into excruciating detail about when and why girls had their fingers in his hair. 

Brian almost walked right past his house because John was telling a story about how a girl sneezed while giving him head. It wasn’t a very funny story but Bender told it well and Brian was tearing up with laughter. 

“Hold on, hold on.” Brian tried to catch his breath and grabbed Bender’s jacket sleeve to make him stop walking.

“This is me,” Bender has gone very still under his hand, and Brian let go self consciously. 

Bender was looking at his sleeve, brown eyes wide, but he quickly snapped his gaze to the house and cleared his throat.

“Damn, this is so fucking Addams Family,”

The windows were dark. If there was anyone home they weren’t expecting him. It was a nice neighborhood, and the brick work did look pretty gothic, especially when it was so empty.

“Yeah, well.” Brian said, trying not to sound as tragic as he felt. 

“Shit. I mean it’s better than my place.” Bender kicked the toe of his boot into the pavement and went quiet.

“Do you wanna-” Brian took a step back and accidentally ran his bike into a bush.

He hadn’t meant to offer, to imply anything. 

_Do you wanna come in? This is the longest conversation I’ve had in a long time and I know we’re not friends but I’m so lonely, please, please._

“I’ll be at school tomorrow. I mean, sorry, I know you don’t...”

Brian didn’t know why he was so hung up on Bender telling him to go to school. Obviously he didn’t actually care, and it’s not like Bender went to school. Why he was doing any of this was a mystery to Brian. 

Bender reached out and grabbed Brian’s wrist. It didn’t hurt, it just felt like he was a toddler and his mother was dragging him back from a busy road. After what seemed like hours, Bender let go.

Brian opened and closed his mouth, unsure of what to say. 

“Okay. Cool. I’ll see you at school, Johnson.” He did the cool guy nod at Brian and started walking down the street the way they’d come. Brian fumbled with his keys and speed walked into the house, closing the door quickly behind him. 

_What the fuck was that._

That night Brian dreamed about running his fingers through soft brown hair. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things continue to not happen, but in a mall

Brian was at school the next day, and Bender was still noticeably absent.

But when the bell rang, Bender was in the same place, blocking the path to the bike rack. He was making rude gestures to a junior girl and her angry boyfriend. 

Brian cleared his throat. 

“Well well, if it isn’t a zoomie dweebie. Perfect specimen.” Bender swiped his bike helmet and placed it on his head like a crown.

The baffling insult from their first day in detention now sounded fond. Bender gave a crooked smirk. 

“You ready to go?”

─ ✸ ─

Bender continued to walk Brian home for the rest of the week, and Brian even pestered him into showing up for some of his classes. 

On their walks home they didn’t really talk about much specifically. School and dicks and why Star Wars was actually amazing. Bender asked if Brian would have sex with his clone and Brian said no that was gross. Bender argued that Brian was already gay, but Brian still thought it was weird. Bender said he would have a clone orgy. Brian tried not to think about that too much.

He still felt guilty for dreaming about Bender and needing to change his boxers when he woke up. Bender hadn’t consented to Brian’s creepy fantasies about him. It was weird and wrong and Bender would definetly be grossed out. Probably. But Brian sure as hell wasn't going to mention it. 

Their walks together had become the best part of his day. 

Whenever he wasn’t in school or walking home, he stayed in his room. It was a converted office off of a living room they never used and it was barren. A bed, desk, textbooks, and a poster of Ronald Reagan his dad got him for his birthday one year were all that was there.

Weekends, with no school and no John, were hard.

Brian mostly passed the time by sitting on his bed and thinking about killing himself. He didn’t mean to, it was just hard to think about anything else. 

Brian’s parents had barely spoken to him at all in two weeks. His father got home from work late. His mother wasn’t awake when he left for school. They still talked to his general direction sometimes, to the space where he would normally have occupied if he wasn’t gay. 

_Pass the chicken. Help your mother with the dishes. Tuck in your shirt._

Brian wasn’t sure if it would always be like this, him not being a real person anymore. He was just someone that lived in his house and slept in his bed. His parents’ eyes floated over his face now, like he was invisible as well as insubstantial. 

Really, Brian had never liked being at home. His mother never stopped saying he should be studying, getting more shrilly anxious every time. His dad was worse. Always disapproving, frowning, saying he should have joined the student government or gotten a better grade on that test. (Even though Brian and gotten an 87.)

The science guys were still shunning him and he didn't have any classes with the Breakfast Club. He liked to think of it as a proper noun, in capitals, like he was apart of something. 

He had never felt a connection like that. Everyday had been exactly the same, and then this weird thing had happened to him. Admittedly, things got worse after that. But a small part of Brian was bitterly glad for everything that had happened since the first detention. It was good to know, once and for all, that his parent's love was conditional. The only difference now was that he knew the conditions. 

He told Bender this when they were walking home on Monday. Bender didn’t say anything for a while and just nodded.

All Monday Brian had been terrified that Bender wouldn’t be waiting at the bike rack, that last week was a one time thing, or a fluke. His face heated up and he couldn’t completely smother his smile when he saw John waiting after school. 

_Waiting for him_ a small part of his brain said.

On the way home they talked about their weekends. Bender had been trying to find work with an old mechanic because his dad had blown all of his workman’s comp. Maybe John could move out some day soon. He hadn’t asked, but Brian couldn’t stop thinking about the burn mark on him arm, and how Bender wasn’t safe in his home. 

Brian’s dad used a belt on him when he was younger, but Brian had quickly turned into a very obedient child. He couldn’t imagine his dad hitting him now or _burning_ him. 

Bender seemed quieter after talking about his dad so Brian tried to distract him by recapping his incredibly boring weekend of staying in his room and sneaking downstairs to get food without being seen by anyone. He figured it was the least he could do, make it easier for his family to pretend he didn’t exist.

“Goddamn, is that what you do everyday?” Bender was shaking his head. 

“Yeah pretty much,” Brian laughed, “and I think they’ve caught on. They stopped buying enough dinner for me awhile ago and now i’m running out of peanut butter and jelly.” Somewhere along the way the sharp pain had turned into a dull ache. He could just ignore them right back. So he wasn't close with his roommates, that was okay.

“Fuck that then, let’s so somewhere else.” 

Brian’s heart jumped to his throat. 

“What? Right now?” They were only a few blocks from his house, but Brian couldn’t ignore the excitement that bubbled up at the idea of not being at home. Of saying words and bumping into someone’s shoulders, especially Bender’s.

─ ✸ ─

Bender didn’t really get the thing with Brian. How could he try to do... that? He was a smart, good looking guy. He was really going places. 

Bender didn’t say that. 

Instead he would call Brian a dweeb and tell him to shut up. 

But honestly, Brian scared the shit out of Bender. Brian’s silences were scary. He was supposed to be saying dumb, awkward shit that was begging to get him beaten up.

He was scared that one day, Brian would just be gone. That he would burn out like fucking Tinker Bell because no one believed in him. 

Bender hadn’t liked him in the beginning. He hadn’t hated him the way he had hated Andy, fucking golden boy. But Bender couldn't help it, he was an asshole. Brian had come with his packed lunch, and sweater, and good grades, and Bender knew he couldn’t stop from giving this guy shit.

He didn’t know exactly when that had changed. Not when Brian told his sob story about shop and a flare gun, and not really when he yelled at him for doing... that to his arm. 

Maybe it was the moments that followed that. His slumped shape that had given up completely, or the way Bender felt sick to his stomach. 

Bender had a policy to stay out of people's shit. He didn't ask when the guys he smoked with hadn't been sober in weeks, and they didn't ask when he had a black eye and a fat lip. That was friendship.

That policy didn't apply to Brian. Sure, it had started out a bit like baby sitting. Maybe Bender wanted to do the right thing for once in his goddamn life. But that night he'd dreamed about it.

Brian was standing in the parking lot like he had that day, but this time he was empty handed. He was staring at Bender and even without a gun, Bender knew he was about to die. Bender tried to get to him in time but his arms and legs wouldn't move. He jerked awake.

Somewhere along the line things had escalated, and Bender felt like he was in some psycho teenybopper movie, where the boy walked the girl home so she was safe.

But Bender kind of liked it. The walks with Brian were nice, he could just forget shit for awhile and things felt easier. He didn't need to impress Brian.

So when Brian talked about his empty house and empty fridge, Bender shaded his eyes and looked back the way they had come. “Sure, fuck it let’s go downtown instead.”

It was too far to walk, so after some negotiation, Brian was seated on his handle bars and Bender was peddling. 

“You’re heavier than you look,” Bender grunted out, sweating even in the cool air.

“I’m tall!” Brian said defensively, “I’m not just skin and bones.” 

“Yeah sure. You’re a beefcake. Shut up.”

After a while they pulled in front of the mall. They didn't have much money between them, but it was enough to buy an order of fries that they split.

Bender grinned wickedly at Brian's protests when he squeezed ketchup all over the top, instead of on the side.

This felt different. They weren't in detention, and they weren't just walking home. They were hanging out in a mall, sharing food. The kind of thing friends did. They were both quiet for a while.

Brian broke the silence.

"What's your favorite store in the mall?" It was a clumsy question, like he had read it in a book on how to make small talk. But his face looked earnest.

"You first, dicknose. I can't have you collecting collateral on me."

Brian laughed. "Okay, fine. See the ice cream stand over there? Cherri's? My dad used to take me there after little league games. They have the best vanilla bean."

Something was twisting in Bender. He'd never played sports, he'd never gone out for ice cream. But this was the same man that wasn't speaking to his son anymore. Bender tried not to snap at Brian again.

"Of course you like vanilla, goddamn."

"It's a classic!" Brian threw up his hands and Bender fought back a smile.

"Uh-huh." He watched as Brian carefully threw away their trash and recycled the tray. "Anyway, I'll show you something way badder than ice cream."

Bender led them to the video store. It wasn't like he though Brian had never been here, he was just guessing that Brian hadn't actually seen any movies other than Star Wars. He was right.

"Um, E.T.?" Brian squinted, trying to remember the last non Star Wars film he had seen.

"Jesus, Bri! We gotta fix that. You have to watch Mad Max 2. You'll like it, Mel Gibson is smoking."

"Fine. If you watch Star Wars!" Brian was blushing. "But I don't have any money left to rent it."

"Next time then. Swear you'll watch it!" Bender loved being in the video store, it made him almost buoyant.

"Yeah, okay. Next time." Brian was still blushing.

They left not too long after that, with Brian riding on the handle bars, and Bender huffing and puffing. They passed some teenagers on the way, not from their school but they seemed kind of familiar. Bender ducked his head and peddled faster.

When they finally got to Brian's house, Bender was starting to feel a little awkward. They had spent the entire afternoon together. It was weird. He'd kind of had a nice time.

He hopped off the bike as soon as they pulled up. He gave a stiff nod, leaving Brian standing in front of his dark house, watching as he shoved his hands in his pockets and stalked off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mel Gibson is a very bad person. Seriously he is horrible. But this is the 80s and we didn't know that yet, and also that movie kicks ass. but fuck mel gibson


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Worlds sort of collide. Also star wars.

Brian was nervous again the next day. It seemed like everything was a cycle of being terrified that he this was the day Bender decided he wasn't worth his time, or that he had actually dreamed up their walks home and the best thing in his life right now was fake.

The worrying took up most of his school day, so his grades weren't great, but they had gotten better. He knew most of the stuff anyway and if he could pull his attention together long enough to take a test, he could normally do pretty decently.

He still thought about killing himself. He would see a beam that was within reach, or see the chemicals in the lab, and wonder how easy it might be, how painful, how quick. But when he did start thinking like that, it was easier to shake his thoughts loose and wonder who Bender's favorite Star Wars character was instead. Nowadays it was more like the rain drumming against his window, constant but easy to ignore, than it was like being caught outside in a storm. 

Brian still had bad days though. Sometimes Brian wouldn't be able to drag himself out of bed all weekend, not even to eat. He didn't cut anymore, but it was mostly because it didn't help. The pain had lost its meaning and Brian wasn't sure what it had even meant in the first place.

This particular weekend had lasted for years, and Brian had forgotten how to move his limbs. He hadn't found the energy to brush his teeth and his mouth had a sour taste in it. All he could manage to do was stare at his ceiling fan as it went around and around. It was always moving but it never went anywhere. Just anchored to the spot. Stuck.

Somewhere far in the distance he heard the doorbell ring. His father’s shouting was muffled, but it was angry. It was probably a door to door salesman or a Jehovah‘s Witness. His father always loudly berated them, which Brian privately thought wasn’t very Christian of him. They mostly avoided the house now, but every once in a while a newbie would stop by. This tirade seemed louder and longer than usual but his dad had been on edge lately, mostly because of Brian. 

Eventually the door slammed and he sunk back into the fog. 

Whatever it was it didn't matter. Nothing could move him.

There was a loud clatter against his window and Brian shot out of bed. He crept over to the window to investigate just as another rock banged into the glass. He peered down just in time to see Bender trying to climb up the trellis and it splintering under him. Bender shook the wood and leaves from his coat and gave the trellis a good kick. He looked up when Brian tapped on the window and pointed to the ladder leaning up against the shed. Bender flipped him off.

When Bender finally tumbled into the room from the open window, Brian was laying on his bed again.

"Met your pops," Bender said, "real peach." Scowling as he picked himself up off the floor, Bender made his way towards the bed.

Some part of Brian was sounding the alarm bells, _holy shit John Bender is in my room,_ but the rest of him was too tired to care.

"Nice undies." It idly occurred to Brian that he was wearing his Chewbacca boxers and nothing else. He felt the bed dip as Bender sat down. "Damn Johnson, you reek." That was probably true, he hadn't showered in days and he definitely hadn't washed his clothes. When Brian was still silent Bender tried again, "You weren't at the bike racks today. I thought your pansy ass had gotten lost."

Brian finally glanced up. "There was school today?" he said in confusion.

"Just like every Monday. You forget the days of the week?" Bender was still teasing him but it was edged with something else. Brian couldn't bring himself to call it concern.

Brian just hummed and closed his eyes again. "Sorry about my dad. What did he say?"

"Not much." Bender was trying very hard to sound casual. "Guess he thought we were getting horizontal. Thought it was me who turned you queer."

Brian went bright red and covered his face in his hands. "Oh God," he groaned.

"I'm flattered, Bri. Your old man thinks this ugly mug could catch such a pretty boy's eye." Brian turned ever redder and shoved Bender, but he laughed which Bender took as a success. He cleared his throat. "So pretty boy, no school today?"

Brian turned his back to John. "It was just a bad day."

Bender nodded quietly. Then he said, "I got something to cheer you up." He gave a shit-eating grin as Brian turned to see a Star Wars VHS. "Mighta swiped it."

Brian smiled but said, "I dont have a tv, how are we going to watch it?"

"Leave that to me genius boy. Just point me in the direction of the living room.

Brian pointed. "But wait you cant just-"

"Watch me." Bender gave another one of his trademark grins and then he was gone.

─ ✸ ─

When Bender came back with the TV trailing loose cords, Brian had put on a shirt and pajama pants. Bender hadn't been happy to see the pink lines on Brian's pale arms, but nothing looked fresh so he didn't push it.

When Brian hadn't come to school, Bender had been freaked. He cared about the little dweeb, and then when Brian's dad had said all that junk, Bender was practically shitting bricks. It was worse than he'd let on, the scumbag had said all sorts of shit about how Bender had ruined the kid's life, and how disgusting it was, when he had asked if Brian was home.

When Bender finally got to Brian, it was worse than he thought. He was just laying there, silent and still, like he was already dead, and Bender was fucking terrified.

Now, they were sandwiched in Brian's twin bed and he was talking over the movie to help Bender's peabrain understand everything.

"Who's the smokestack?"

"That's Han Solo, he's the smuggler." Bender nodded his approval.

"You're like the prissy gold one."

"C3PO?" Brian asked, offended. "Then you're Jabba the Hut."

Bender squinted. "Is that the slug guy? Nah, I'm Han Solo."

"Fine, but only if I'm Luke."

Bender considered this. "The twinkie in white? Sure, he looks like you."

"No way." But Brian smiled. For the first time in a long time, he thought he might be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as much as brian is dealing with real actual issues, he is, at his core, a drama queen
> 
> also bender helps in his own way? Im pretty sure i would do something more practical like wash his sheets or get him something to eat but thats not really how bender thinks
> 
> i was kind of planning on abandoning this fic, but your kind comments inspired me so thank you!


End file.
